Ch Ch Changes . . .

Dan's first day back to work is today. I'm excited and nervous. I'm excited that he is doing so well. I'm excited to get things "back to normal." I'm nervous because I'm not sure I remember what normal is. I've been on survival mode for over a year now & I'm not sure how to function in normal mode anymore. I'll figure it out, I know. I'm also sure that once I get things down again it'll all change. Such is life.

So a little update on Isabelle's friend situation. As I have dropped off and picked Isabelle up I've started connecting names with faces. Alyssa likes Isabelle again. As Isabelle put it "she like me, she gives me hugs." Naomi even likes Isabelle now. She came up to me this morning to tell me she liked my baby (Claire) before running off to play with Isabelle. Plus she still plays with Skye (who I still haven't seen yet) and Frankie (who is absolutely adorable). I also got to see Christian yesterday too. He looks like a miniature version of Dan. The brown hair, the glasses, the face and build. She has good taste - we are so in trouble. The proofs of her school pictures came in too. I have no idea what they did to my little girl, but she looks ticked off. Isabelle loves the camera, loves getting her picture taken. She loves to pose & is a total ham. Whatever they did - it was bad. The pictures were awful.

Maddy is potty training and doing very well. She's very independent though. We were at my cousin's wedding last week - absolutely fabulous, the girls were in these adorable tutu's and wings - and once Maddy knew where the restroom was that was it. She'd take off whenever she needed to go. Here's the problem - she didn't tell any of us that she had to go, she'd just start running off. So like a good mommy I'd chase after her - but she can squeeze between chairs and duck under tables while I had Claire strapped to my front. My girls are growing up so fast.

Now me I guess. I've done all of the requirements for a leader to get my personal progress award. I have my interview with the bishop on Tuesday & hope to get it on the 24th (my birthday). Still through it all there's my mom's voice in the back of my mind saying "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right." That's one thing that has always stuck with me from my mom. I never had the chance to do the full requirements so even though I don't *have* to, I am. I'm halfway through my final value project and then I will be done. DONE. With ALL requirements. I hope to have it done by Tuesday. I'm excited.

Claire is going through a change herself - one from disposables diapers to cloth. Nothing against disposables, I was surprised with my decision to change too. She was just getting irritation on her inner thighs no matter what brand we put her in and I learned how to do cloth as inexpensively as I do disposables. It also helps that I have wonderful friends (plug for sweetbabybottoms.com) that helped me with my starter stash. We started at 9pm last night & have been trying different kinds all day. I'm learning what I like and what works for her. It's been super easy. Some of what would be her more *ahem* difficult diapers changes were actually easier than they normally were with disposables. I do like some of the pricer diapers, but I'm keeping it simple for now. Hopefully I can convince Dan that nice diapers are a good Christmas present for a 10 month old.

That's all for now. Maybe when things settle down (ha ha ha) I'll post some pictures. I know they are way overdue.

Playground Drama

I know, slacking already. I don't see the rest of the year slowing down any either. So here we go . . .

Isabelle started Kindy in August. The kid is really smart. We even looked into her skipping and going straight into 1st grade. Since she'e still only 4 and would be one of the youngest kids in Kindy we decided not to go that route. We weren't really surprised when kept soaring through her weekly tests with flying colors or when in her mid-trimester check up her teacher noted that she was at the top of the highest small group. I get it, my kid is smart. She's also a little social butterfly. She loves people, loves making new friends wherever she goes. I figured she'd make friends as easily as she always does - nobody has ever NOT liked her before. I didn't realize Kindy came with drama.

On the first day of school, two girls messed up Isabelle's hair. She was not happy about it - neither were any of us. My guess - the other girls saw her as a cute little girl and tried patting her on the head. That's one of the toughest things - Isabelle is the youngest and she's small for her age. Anyway, on day 2 she had a friend - face lights up when Isabelle enters the room, friend. Her name is Alyssa & she has little sisters around Maddy & Claire's age. Perfect! A couple weeks ago I asked if she played with Alyssa that day. Isabelle got sad. She told me that Alyssa liked Naomi and Naomi didn't like her. My heart broke for the kid. Who wouldn't like my baby?!

In true Isabelle fashion, she didn't dwell on it long & proceeded to tell me about the new people she was playing with. She played with Frankie - who apparently is a girl that has beautiful clothes according to Isabelle. She also ate lunch with Skye - who always has yummy healthy food in her lunch. Sidetrack - Isabelle doesn't like candy, so healthy food generally equals yummy in her eyes. I still wonder if there is some lunch swapping going on. About a week or so ago she started playing with Alyssa again because as Isabelle said, "Alyssa likes me a little bit."

*Sigh* I can't keep it all straight. To add into the mix, last week added Christian. That's right - a boy. He has glasses. Isabelle talks about him at length. She's even asked me to explain some of the things he likes - like Iron Man. Since when does my little girl care about boy stuff? Oh right, since Christian. Oh boy.

2 years at a glance part 2

Sorry I didn't post Sunday. I wrote it all on Sunday but didn't want to post without reading it over. It's a good thing too - sometimes when I get emotional things don't make sense. Anyway, here's the rest of the story.

My parents came down to help after Claire was born. Isabelle and Maddy just ate up all the attention. Maddy showed an interest in potty training for the first time (which instantly ended when grandma left - so sad about that.) Claire's baby blessing was at the end of March and Dan's family was out for that. We were able to go down to the San Diego Temple the day before - such a wonderful experience. Dan even started redoing our dining room (which I absolutely love what he did with it - just beautiful. Not completely done yet but still looking very good). It seemed like things were turning up. The end of April brought our 6th anniversary & the first anniversary that we haven't gone out for. We had a nice evening in - as nice as you can with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 2 month old anyway.

May was another pretty bad dip. Dan's headaches were getting worse, seizures more frequent. The time had come to turn to the surgery option. As rough of a decision as it was to make, Dan also needed to take leave from work and go on disability until after recovery. It just wasn't safe for him to drive the mountain road to get to work with the seizures and just getting out of bed each morning was becoming extremely difficult. Dan put in the call for an appointment with Dr. Hsu to discuss/schedule surgery.

Just a snippet about Dr. Hsu - he is an amazing man & we are very grateful that we were paired with him. Dan did so much research from the time he was diagnosed. There is one doctor's name that stands out as the authority on Dan's condition who practices in Arizona. Dr. Hsu trained under him. As we looked into the papers and research that Dr. Hsu has done we were confident that Dan would be in good hands. I'm sure if you ask Dan he can elaborate more on Dr.Hsu. Unfortunately, it would be about 6 more weeks before we could even get an appointment with him.

Now, Dan's the kind that goes stir crazy if he stays home all day on a Saturday. Take a person like that and keep them home for the better part of a couple months. Yeah, not good. So Dan took on a project - a butcher block countertop as a gift for our friend Matt Taft. Headaches, seizures, woodworking equipment - I promise we are sane around here even if it doesn't always sound like it. Anyway, it was beautiful as well. I'm looking forward to getting a cutting board with the leftover wood.

Those six weeks were long. It had been a hard year, we were all pretty exhausted by that point. I couldn't even tell you any of the specifics of those weeks other than they were dark days. I wouldn't want to relive them. Finally the appointment came. We got a brief overview of what would happen with surgery & were told we would get a call informing us of the next available surgery slot. The call came - July 2nd - still a few weeks away. We were to have a pre-op appointment the week before to get the rundown for surgery. I'm not going to lie - I felt conflicted. I knew it was what needed to happen, but I was still nervous. Though part of me was truly dreading the additional wait.

I apologize in advance if I have to do a part 3. I didn't realize how emotional I'd get going over all this again. I kept telling myself that I had to be strong through all of this & that I could break down once it was all over. I guess I'm having the breakdown now that I wanted to have back then. Anyway, back to the story.

The pre-op appointment came & Dr. Hsu's assistant went through protocols and answered questions. Then it was off to admission and a meeting with anesthesia. Honestly most of that day was a blur. Back then I could have remembered word for word what they said, but right now it's clouded more by what actually happened. The only part I truly remember was that we wouldn't know what time surgery was or when we'd have to come in until the day before. Yeah, I know - lots of notice there. Sunday we called for a fast for Dan. I am absolutely amazed at the number of people who joined with us - even those we don't know. We were absolutely astounded by the number of prayers on our behalf as well. That day Dan sang "He Hears Me" in church. Yeah, that was a crying day.

Anyway . . . I went into a stocking/cooking frenzy after that. When I can't control what's going on, I try to control what I can. Plus, I'm always calmer when I know there is food in the house. Odd quirk of mine, anyway. Dan's parents came in on the Wednesday before surgery. Claire decided to be a doll & FINALLY take a bottle which helped my stress level since she wouldn't be allowed into any of the care areas at the hospital. Thursday we went to the San Diego Temple again. It was a rather emotional day there. All I can really say is that we knew everything was going to be okay. We still had some anxiety, but we knew it would be okay. We also got the call that surgery would be at noon but we'd need to be there at 6am for an MRI and other pre-op procedures. That meant we were leaving really early the next morning. That night was another very special night. Some people from church came to give Dan a blessing before surgery. I received one as well. For all the trials we were going through, the spiritual blessings were astounding.

I don't think either of us slept very much that night. It was simultaneously the day I had been waiting for and dreading. The morning was lots of stop and go - but mostly waiting around. Go to the pre-op area - wait. Go to the MRI area - wait (or at least I had to wait). Back to pre-op - wait, wait wait. Oh by the way, surgery is being bumped 2hrs to 2:00. Wait, wait, wait. Get it? We waited alot - and watched soccer. Finally, Dan got taken away & I was to go to the . . . waiting room. The last words I heard before watching Dan be wheeled away was the nurse saying "God be with you." I love that hospital.

So we got down to the lobby/waiting area and I was given a pager. It was supposed to update every hour or so with what was going on upstairs in surgery. Nice idea, but every hour (okay. okay more than that) I'd look at it & nothing would change. I tried to occupy myself with Claire and a book - not too terribly hard to do - and not look at the time. 6:00 hit. Surgery was supposed to be 4hrs - though I was warned that it could take longer and not to worry if it did. So, I went as casually as I could (see: I was trying not to jump and run) to the receptionist to see what was going on since my pager wasn't doing anything and surgery should be about over. Surprised that the pager wasn't working, she called upstairs to find out what was going on. Surgery hadn't started. Don't know why, but surgery hadn't started. It was about to though. 5 minutes later the pager goes off saying surgery started. So I did a little math. Started around 6, 4hr surgery put us at 10, 1hr in post-op recovery, 1hr to get settled in intensive care . . . I wasn't going to see Dan until midnight & we had been there since 6am.

I was physically exhausted. I was emotionally exhausted. I was planning on being there the next morning too but didn't see how that was possible with driving home and back. I was just ready for it all to be over. I went to the cafeteria and ate dinner alone. Dan's parents were there, Scott was there (they all got there before Dan left for surgery earlier in the day) but I wanted to be alone. Meanwhile, the rest of the hospital was closing down for the night and a closing prayer went out over the intercom.

Claire needed to eat so I grabbed her, the diaper bag, and the pager and headed to the restroom. I have to admit I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and my anxiety was through the roof. I was trying to think of ways to pass the next 2 hours or so as Claire was needing to get to bed and I had already finished my book. Then the pager went off. Meet the doctor in the lobby is all it said. It was only 2 hours into a 4 or so hour surgery. My heart dropped. I wasn't doing very well at calming myself - I'll admit I was thinking the worst.

Try as I might to pack Claire back up quickly - she wasn't having it. I ran out to the lobby as fast I could - but I could see Dr. Hsu already walking away. Luckily we were able to flag him back down. It was over - they were stitching him back up. It seemed surreal. 2 hours before I was preparing to be there for the long haul and now, it was over. I was told I would be messaged again when I could see him. 20 minutes earlier I didn't think I could keep my eyes open - I was wide awake then!

The pager went off an hour later saying he was out of surgery. About an hour and a half after that I was paged with his room number. I think I tossed Claire to the closest person and ran to the elevators. I was supposed to bring a few things up with me - I forgot them all. I was too excited to see him again.

I wasn't sure what I was going to see. I was told in pre-op he would have a 24hr breathing tube. I didn't know how coherent he would be. I didn't care - I just wanted to see him again. What I saw was a miracle. He was awake, talking - making jokes, & even asking for food. Unfortunately Dan's eyes were bigger than his stomach and he couldn't handle the food he requested. He had no breathing tube - they took it out at the end of surgery because he was breathing on his own. The nurse commented on how well he was doing and Dan was quick to respond that it was because of all the people that had been praying for him. It was hard to say goodbye - I really didn't want to leave.

I think I fell asleep as soon as the car started to move. My physical exhaustion just caught up with me. Still, I was up the next morning ready to go visit Dan. It was great to see him again. The medications made him a little chatty and over the next few days Dan had quite a few visitors and phone calls. I know Dan appreciated all the people he saw and got to hear from.

Not even 24hrs after surgery Dan got his first opportunity to get out of bed and try walking. I wish I could have been there, but it was in the evening after I had already gone home to put the girls to bed. Dan was experiencing some double vision as a result of the optic nerve being exposed during surgery. We were told it would just slowly get better over time. That night he was moved from intensive care to the regular neurosurgery recovery rooms.

Sunday was an emotional one. Dan was insistent that I go to church and then come visit. It was a testimony meeting. Miracles happen, I know they do. So many small ones happen each day. But I got to see one - a big one - up close and personal. So many others got to witness it too - but not like we did. We lived it. I know what it feels like to be carried through a trial like that and be brought to the other side. It's powerful.

Monday I got to see Dan walk. It was amazing. I watched him do stairs and all sorts of odd maneuvers to prepare him for going home - because he would be going home the next day. I don't even know how to describe how happy I was to see him walk or how proud I was to see him take the stairs so confidently. I know Dan is going to hate the comparison, but it was even better than watching my kids walk for the first time. This was me seeing my world being put back together - piece by piece.

I swear I'm not doing this justice. My days blurred into one another nonstop from the hospital to the house and back again. If I can get Dan to get on here and recount what he remembers I will. Especially about the nursing staff - they were wonderful, but I didn't get as much time with them as he did. I just remember him telling me it was like looking into the face of Christ everyday. They truly cared for their patients. I just remember being so grateful. I remember the feeling of gratitude I had for life in general. We really just got a new outlook on life.

The day Dan left we had one stop left. In front of the hospital was a statue of Christ with others around him. Before we left Dan had to take a picture of Jesus. Backtrack a little - there's actually a funny story with the statue. Dan's mom told him that Jesus was in front of the hospital and that he needed to go take a picture with him. Now Dan's a little drugged up - surgery and all. Needless to say, Dan was a little confused & it was pretty funny.

So Dan gets home & while he's still healing remarkably well - it's still a long journey out of the woods. There incision pain - and medication to step down from. There's sensitivity to noise and 3 small kids - 1 of which just found their voice & loves to screech. There's the double vision which though it's getting better day by day is still an obstacle. There's Dan's biggest challenge - a sore jaw. In other words, as much as he'd love to chomp down on a hamburger - he can't.

That brings us roughly to today. The vision is all cleared up. He's off the pain medication. His sensitivity to sound and incision pain are considerably less. He's still working on the hamburger thing - but he's determined to get there too. He's even scheduled to go back to work October 1st. He even got a second calling at church - ward choir director. Blessings, blessing everywhere.

So what about the girls during all of this? Well, we got to try out that whole "it takes a village" thing. We've had so much help from friends, family, and friends that might as well be family. It's been rough on them too, but it's getting much better. Isabelle started kindergarten this fall. She is doing so well - reading, writing, and more than they are even doing in class. She loves reading. She is one smart cookie. Maddy's become quite the little talker. She's also our resident fashionista. She has to pick out everything from what's in her hair to the shoes she wears - & she does an amazing job. She likes to dress Isabelle, Claire, and even me if I'll let her. She loves clothes and shopping - a girly girl through and through. She also started potty training again & is doing a wonderful job.

As for me, I haven't given up on writing but I haven't jumped back into actively writing. I don't think I'll even say when I am writing again, just one day I'll say "SURPRISE! I'm Done!" For now I'm content with my girls and working on personal progress. I hope to have all the personal progress done for my birthday next month. I might start volunteering in Isabelle's class soon. Fun stuff.

Well that's it - all caught up I think. I know I owe a million pictures from these 2 years. I'll get to it. I really will. For now, it's another day with things to do & the pictures will just have to wait a little longer.

2 years at a glance part 1

So where to begin? We left off in October 2008 - I guess that is as good of a place as any. Maddy turned 1, Isabelle turned 3, and Dan signed up for level 1 of the CFA. What does that mean? I was a CFA widow with a 1 & 3 year old while Dan studied for an insanely hard and expensive test that is only offered twice a year and people rarely pass on the first try - & there's 3 levels to get through. Yea! No seriously, we were very much behind Dan in his decision to go for the CFA. I also decided to start an adventure of my own and try my hand at writing a novel.

Fun was had with both sides of the family. Dan started having headaches - figured his head was having a hard time finding places to put the 5 volumes of information studying required. In April 2009 we had our 5th anniversary! WooHoo! Since I wasn't pregnant or nursing (can I get another woohoo) we decided to have some fun. We went theme park hopping! We started off at Six Flags. Hardly any lines, we got to ride everything wanted and a few things multiple times. We had lots of fun but by the end of the day it was a few too many loops for Dan's head. Then it was off to California Adventure and finally Disneyland. I love Disney - I'd go there if only to eat. It's a celiac's dream. Pizza, burgers . . . I almost feel like a normal human being. Anyway, again - lots & lots of fun. Only complaint - a ride we waited for hours on broke down & we didn't get to ride it. We also missed the fireworks which made me kinda sad. Oh well, still fun. Though if we were to do it again I'd do it in reverse order. Love Disney, but the rides don't compare after Six Flags.

Next comes June 2009 - TEST TIME!! CFA Level 1 was on. I think I had enough butterflies in my tummy for the both of us. It didn't help that Dan's headaches were getting worse & he was having some vision issues. He got a blessing before heading up to the test - which really was, well, a blessing. Dan said that his vision and mind were perfectly clear for the test. He really felt confident about the test - or so he said. Though, the headaches returned a short time after the test finished.

I'm not sure which came first - not that it really matters - but we got 2 test results around the same time. 1) HE PASSED!! First try & Dan passed level 1 of the CFA! WooHoo! 2) Our 3rd little munchikin was on the way - a bit earlier than expected but still welcome news. I wish I could say things got easier from here, but I'd be lying. Hold onto your hats we're in for a bumpy ride . . .

I almost instantly became sick - completely, horribly, can't keep anything down sick. I started getting sharp abdominal pains & became terribly worried about our newest little bean. I'm not one to go to Urgent Care or the ER or anything but when it came to making sure my baby was okay that's exactly where I found myself - first to Urgent Care, then whisked to the ER. Good news - I had a perfectly healthy 7 week old wiggler. Bad news - she was making me so sick that unless I stayed medicated I'd find myself in the ER more often needing fluids. So medication it was. The first medication didn't take. The second medication kinda took, but I needed quite a bit to keep enough down. So much so that I was told that it might be better if I wasn't watching my other 2 because the medication might make me so loopy that I wouldn't be able to properly care for them. You know, the kind of stuff every mother loves to hear :/. Good news - I was coherent enough that I could care for the girls when I needed to, but it did make me very drowsy. There were also some wonderful ladies from church that were really there to help me out. Needless to say, my book writing was to be on hold for the time being.

We truly had a bouncing baby. By 11wks she could already be seen pushing on my belly & also showing favoritism - to Dan. We were watching So You Think You Can Dance one night (yes me & Dan) and it was the Vegas week episode where that girl's ankle totally pops out. Anyway, right then the side on my tummy jerked right to bump Dan. He jumped a little and said "Your stomach just looked like her foot!" That was the start of baby preferring Daddy. By 13wks anytime I was around Dan my belly would pull in his direction. It was like magnets I tell you. At 13wks we were also given some other news. We were told not to take the tags off anything, but it looked like we were headed for a trio of girls. I don't know who was sadder - Dan or Isabelle. Isabelle kept saying she already had a sister & that she was supposed to have a baby brother. Me, I like girls. I know what to do with girls. Near the end of my first trimester the girls and I took a mini vacation up at my parents. It was a big help as I stepped off the medication then too. Around this time the pukiness was tapering off & I was looking forward to a 2nd trimester reprieve. Unfortunately, there would be no reprieves this year.

Dan's headaches started getting worse. He'd often go off by himself & I wouldn't know what was going on. Later I would learn he was having seizures in his left arm. I wish I could say that was the scariest thing that happened, but it's not. Dan was having an episode one night and passed out in Maddy bedroom while we were putting her to bed. It was scaring Maddy that daddy was just laying there so I did what any irrational 17 weeks pregnant woman would do - I dragged him out of her room and shut the door. Then I ran downstairs, grabbed a container of chopped garlic, and held it under his nose until he woke up. It didn't take long for him to wake up but he was still unable to move - and I was unable to move him. The worst part, I was cramping - bad. As anyone, like me, who has had preterm labor before would understand it was a terrifying moment. So, I did what I did many times in my pregnancy with Maddy - I downed some water, got in bed, & prayed. My kids were asleep, my husband was barely conscious, and I couldn't very well leave them even if I could drive myself to the hospital. So prayer it was. I can't begin to tell you how helpless I felt and how urgently I prayed that I wouldn't lose our little jumping bean. Prayer works.

In October I had another ultrasound - there was a pool of blood on baby's brain that we'd need to keep an eye on. Also, it was confirmed - girl #3 was heading our way. A week later Dan was in the ER. That's the funny part - probably of the whole year. Finding out that he's having 3 girls sends Dan to the ER (not really, but it's still funny to say). And the scariness continues. Bunch of tests & whatnot show something on Dan's brain. They aren't sure what exactly it is, but they are thinking it's an aneurysm. Okay, saying you're going to have an aneurysm - especially at the prospect of having 3 girls - used to be funny. Possibly facing one - not so much. After a few days (and many tests that Dan can tell the story of I'm sure) in the hospital Dan's released (I still think they are idiots for doing that, but whatever) - it's an avm or a ccm or something. They aren't positive about a dang thing, but they are letting him go anyway. This is where 2 other people come into our lives - Dr. Butrous (the neurologist) and Dr. Hsu (the neurosurgeon) because those are his two options - medicate the symptoms (migraines and seizures) or take it out. Dan opts to medicate because, well, I'm pregnant & brain surgery is scary stuff. Again, brain surgery - something that's funny to joke about but when you're actually facing it, not so much. We also learned, courtesy of Dr. Hsu, that it was a cavernous angioma which wasn't an immediate threat. That at least made the decision a little easier for the time being. The scary part of that diagnosis was that it does bleed (in "little leaks"), it's genetic, & baby's pooling of blood on the brain wasn't clearing up.

So Dan plays the medication game - because it really is a guessing game of what medication combination and dosage will work best for what patient. Some really didn't work out for Dan - some knocked him out cold all day. As much as it sucked, it was what we had to do because my pregnancy was about to take another loop.

The day before Thanksgiving was my first full fledged, send me to Labor and Delivery, shoot me up with terbutaline, and keep this baby from coming episode at 25 weeks (side note, this happened for the first time with Maddy at 26 weeks). Good news - they were able to stop her from coming. Bad news - I was supposed to be on bedrest "as much as possible." I have 2 kids "as much as possible" isn't really possible. Plus, I wasn't about to let this damper my black friday shopping. I know, I know, I can be a thickheaded idiot sometimes.

A week later was another one of the scarier times in the 2009 saga. I had just finished putting Isabelle & Maddy down for afternoon naps when the familiar cramping started again - every 10 minutes. Dan was still in Irvine at work so I grabbed a glass of water and hit the couch. Within an hour they were every 5-6 minutes. I messaged Dan. I was scared. Even if he left right then he wouldn't get home for an hour or so. I needed help right then. I needed 2 people actually - one to stay with my sleeping kids & one to take me to the hospital. We tried to think of who might possibly be available in the middle of the day to help us. Meanwhile, they got to every 2-3 minutes apart. You know that terrifying feeling I had at 17 weeks along? It was back. You know how our prayer was answered back then? It was again, though not in the same way. This time, it was a knock at the door. Two women from church had shown up to see what they might be able to figure out in terms of help for me while I was on bedrest. I'm sure they didn't expect to be flung into helping out, but when I couldn't so much as talk to them they sprang into action. One stayed with the girls and the other drove me to the hospital.

I messaged Dan about what happened & he headed right to the hospital as soon as he could. A few shots of terbutaline later, I was headed back home with a prescription of terbutaline, strict bedrest orders, and twice weekly visits with the high risk OB from my pregnancy with Maddy. Yea :/. At least our little girl was still baking and seemed to take my preterm labor episodes in stride. We came home to a mowed lawn, a clean house, the laundry done, and our girls fed and in bed for the night. I never expected to see anything but my girls alive and well. It was truly a humbling experience. I'd experience many more humbling moments as the members of our ward pitched in during the coming months to shoulder the care of Isabelle and Maddy while I was down. I can't begin to express the love I have for them. Also, we get our first bit of good news - baby's bleeding on the brain is gone! WooHoo!

December comes with Christmas & a few Christmas surprises. Let me preface the first one by saying that Dan & I don't agree on girl names. We have 2 boy names all picked out, but girl names are a battle. I was campaigning heavily for the name Claire - Claire Elise to be exact. Also, I was due March 5th with a c-section at the end of February. Christmas morning Dan hands me a package - inside there's another package. The tag to that package reads: "To: Mommy From: Claire Elise." That was enough to get me teared up, but inside was the kicker. A necklace with a purple heart - the February birthstone. It was the reminder that we were going to get through this - we were going to make it to February & have a healthy baby. I needed that reminder as I took another hospital trip a couple days later.

Time passed, medication was upped on both sides, January was a struggle but we got through it. We began to look forward to the arrival of Claire Elise Hosford. Dan and our friend Scott worked on getting Claire's room ready (it turned out beautiful by the way). The medication was becoming less and less effective for stopping my contractions and my OB was confident that once I stopped them I would just go into labor & I'd have my repeat c-section. Dan was hoping that it wouldn't happen until February 15th. The logic? She won't be allowed to date until she's 16 - that way her first date would have to be after Valentine's Day. My OB's response - I'd have to stand on my head to make it that long. The plan was to take my first pill (3am or so) on February 12th, when the contractions were 10 minutes apart head to the hospital. He expected to see us at 10am on the 12th for a repeat c-section. At this point I was skeptical that anything would go as planned.

So February 12th came. I took my last pill at 3am as planned. Bags were packed, everything was ready, it was just a matter of getting things in motion. I was in the shower at 6am when the first contraction hit - right when my next pill was due. Still, I didn't know how close together they would be and I had other things on my mind - our master bath hadn't been cleaned in months. Hardheaded idiot, remember? Well they never were 10 minutes apart - they started at 6 minutes apart. Still I was determined to get our bathroom clean. Plus in some warped area of my mind I wasn't convinced they were going to stick around. We left for the hospital - after the bathroom was cleaned.

I'll preface the next part by saying pregnant women in labor are not always rational and on occasion delusional. I am no exception. We dropped off Isabelle and Maddy at our friends the Tafts house (their house is now Isabelle & Maddy's second home. We love the Tafts) and I received a blessing. The only part I remember of it - it said I'd be holding our little girl in my arms that night. From there we headed to the hospital. The next isn't my finest moment. I had a breakdown in the hospital parking lot. I couldn't feel the contractions anymore - I was just in pain. In my mind (see delusional), I wasn't in labor - I couldn't feel individual contractions anymore so how could I be? I made Dan let me walk from the car to the hospital entrance. I must have looked pretty bad. There was one wheelchair and they were about to give it to someone who had collapsed just inside the door. Instead, they put that person in a seat in the waiting room and gave me the wheelchair. At that point, I was still trying to understand why.

I got checked in at labor and delivery (at 10am just like the OB expected), got a room, and was about to change into a hospital gown. That's when the contractions knocked me on my butt - literally. Hooked up to the monitors, it showed them coming every 2 minutes - and I nearly ripped the sheets every 2 minutes because they HURT. The nurse was pissed that I hadn't come in sooner since it was a repeat c-section. Terbutaline shot #1 - stopped them for a little bit but they came back. Terbutaline shot #2 - stopped them for less time. Terbutaline shot #3 - was laughable, good thing I was already being prepped for surgery.

Claire Elise Hosford was born at 2:12pm on 2/12/10 weighing 5lbs 13oz and 18 inches long. She took to nursing and I was relieved that I had gotten her out of me alive. For a moment I could breathe again, but we weren't out of the woods with her yet.

Claire was mildly jaundice and at 3 days was down to 5lbs 3oz. I was under orders to feed her every 3hrs at least, but was still on track to go home with her that night. She was sleeping as I was packing up our things when I noticed she was breathing funny - it was raspy & sounded really labored. I pressed the nurse call button and asked for a nurse to come. I waited & listened & heard the scariest thing yet - it stopped. I opened the door & yelled out of the room for a nurse. The series of events after that was pretty blurry - but it ended with a bulb syringe down her throat sucking out the spit up that she had choked on. Then the nurses proceeded to tell me that I should have called them sooner - I guess the call button doesn't count?

She came home - barely big enough to fit in her car seat. The first night was rough. Claire was freaking out almost the entire night. I was healing so getting out of bed was difficult to begin with. The topper, Dan having seizures - the full body kind - whenever Claire cried. What's a new mommy to do? I'm pretty sure I did plenty of crying myself that night too. At 4 days Claire had dropped to 5lbs 1.5oz and was still a little jaundice so I was told to try giving her some formula. She's my first baby ever to refuse a bottle.

Don't know what possessed me - and if I'm ever in this situation again I won't do it - but we went to Home Depot the day after I got home from the hospital, even after that horrible night. 2 things happened. 1) I was in pain. I thought my staples were going to fall out & my incision was going to rip open. 2) I had to nurse in public for the first time - ever. Yes, nursing in public with a 4 day old on a bench outside the bathrooms at Home Depot. Probably the last thing anyone thought they would see when heading there. Anyway, moving on.

Claire had a choking episode at night (more than one but it is the most memorable) she turned blue. I'm very grateful Dan could hear that something was wrong because I was so tired I was dead to the world. That's the night we decided that sleeping on her back wasn't going to be safe enough. I diligently carried that bulb syringe with us everywhere. I wasn't about to lose her after all we had gone through to get her here.

Long story a little less long, she's doing wonderful. Gaining weight & growing strong. Isabelle still wishes she were a boy and sometimes pulls Claire's ears out & says she looks like a boy. Claire has been affectionately named our perfectionist. She won't let us see that she can do something until she can do it well (though if you sneak a peek you can see her doing it in her bed). She can roll, crawl, sit, and has started pulling up. She just started trying to stand up by herself in the middle of the floor. She'll be 7 months tomorrow. Her sisters & parents love her dearly & we're so happy to have her in our family (even though she was screaming most of the evening just now - stupid teeth).

Our story isn't over, but I'm afraid I'll have to cut it short for now. I'll shoot for part 2 tomorrow.

A new beginning

So, it's been 2 years since I posted on Isabelle's blog. The problem was - it was Isabelle's blog. Now that there is 5 of us (yes 5 - I know I have updating to do for those of you that aren't on facebook) we needed a family blog. Why didn't I start one sooner? Well, like I said - I have some updating to do. This past year - well two - was something of a whirlwind. Now that the dust is starting to settle maybe I can put the past 2 years into perspective. Maybe.